Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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