I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
