I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
