It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize