he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
