all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
