Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
