Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Brb crying the tears of my youth
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Randomize
