I can text with my tongue
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
is wine microwaveable?
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Randomize
