do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
