i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Couch. On fire.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Randomize
