The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
