think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
