btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
