So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
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