I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
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