Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Even the bartender felt bad for me
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
