if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Randomize
