good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
