im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
