If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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