that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize