She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
