i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Randomize
