at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
