i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
