I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
