if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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