I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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