now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize