No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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