I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
