Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
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