What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
