New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
