you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
4 words: hood of his car
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
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