I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
