her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
