He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
