When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Randomize
