How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
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