I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
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