I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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