sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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