my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize