My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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