i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
