i came on her dog
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
