Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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