I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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