I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Randomize
