I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
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