My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
