I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Randomize
