Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
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