he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
