For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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