i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
