so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
