I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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