you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
How naked do you want me to be?
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