I hate your face
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Randomize
