call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Randomize
