Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize