I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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