He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
