My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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