We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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