I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
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