it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
