Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
